OPINION
Learning The Meaning Of Het

DISCLAIMER: If you're easily offended hit your back button now. The following article may be considered explicit by some.

'I love fanfic. I'm not really allowed to read Buffy [stories] but I do read other fandoms. There's some great stuff out there. Also some crappy stuff, but people should feel free to read or write that as well' - Jane Espenson

'On the subject of fanfic, I am aware that a good deal of it is naughty. My reaction to that is mixed; on one hand, these are characters played by friends of mine, and the idea that someone is describing them in full naughtitude is a little creepy. On the other hand, eroticising the lives of fictional characters you care about is something we all do, if only in our heads, and it certainly shows that people care. So I'm not really against erotic fic and I certainly don't mind the other kind. I wish I'd had this kind of forum when I was a kid' - Joss Whedon

I was computer illiterate until a couple of years ago. I had no idea what fanfic meant. Nor did I know what the terms shipper, slash, or het meant. Finally, I reached the end of the third edition of Keith Topping's Slayer series of books when he proclaims in the Internet section that a web site called 'Bad Girls' was a must for those that have not yet explored the exciting worlds of shipper and slash fic. So I decided to check it out.

That night, I logged on to my computer and went to badgirls.fishonastick.com. Atop the website sexy pictures of Alyson Hannigan and Sarah Michelle Gellar that let you know what's to come. I went into the 'BuffySmut' section of the site and opened up a fanfic story called 'After The Patrol' that was described with odd unfamiliar terms like B/W and Slash. When I began reading it, I was treated to a thoroughly foreign story about Buffy and Willow masturbating and, later, having hot sex in their dorm room.

I wasn't quite sure what to make of this so I went to sleep.

The next day, though, because I was so utterly appalled by what appeared on this web site, I logged on again. This time, I logged on to the 'DawnSmut' portion of the website. Here is where I read such pornographic gems as 'Baby-Sitting', 'Night Games', and (the horribly titled) 'Clit'.

In a few short weeks, I was an old hand at the fanfic game. If I saw a story that was described as A/F/B, I knew that it involved Angel, Buffy, and Faith getting into a ménage a trois.

Something that surprised me about this explicitly horny fic was how well written a lot of it is. I guess you could chalk this up to the fact that Buffy The Vampire Slayer is the kind of show that warrants intelligent viewers. I could see it even in the Comments section of the articles on this site. There is intelligent, meaningful conversation about the show.

One thing I found pretty terrible about the whole game was when I found out what the term 'shipper' meant. A shipper, from what I've gathered, is someone who really pulls for a specific relationship between characters on the show. There are Angel/Buffy shippers, Spike/Buffy shippers. Hell, even Xander/Dawn shippers. I think it's unfair to support a specific relationship in the show. Does this mean that Spike/Buffy shippers are pissed off that Angel is returning at the end of season seven? Were the Angel/Buffy shippers annoyed when Spike became a regular? How is this productive? I don't know. Enjoy it for what it is.

Meanwhile, I was at the height of my BuffyPorn obsession when a friend of mine named Caroline informed me that there is such a thing as non-smutty fanfic. Non-smutty fanfic? What's the point? This concept puzzled me.

So I went onto a website called the Fire Ice Archive. Much of this non-smutty fanfic surprised me with its emotional intensity. Granted, I haven't read too much of it, but what I have read, I feel I have to give some sort of praise. Hence this article.

That's when I decided to branch out into fanfic for other shows. I visited adultfanfiction.net where I was pleased to find a great deal of interesting (and, yes, very graphic) stories. Someone who goes by BuffyFaith19 wrote a brilliant Gilmore Girls fic, a couple of pretty decent Buffy ones, and an intensely disgusting (so much so that I couldn't take my eyes away) 7th Heaven fic.

Here I was, the guy who, until a month ago didn't know what fanfic was, reading a fic for a show I don't even watch. It truly is an addicting format.

That's when I sat down to try my hand at writing one. 'What the Hell', I thought. 'It can't be that hard'. Here's some news, ladies and gentleman. It's pretty hard. I sat down to write a story about Buffy finally giving Jonathan a chance for a date (and wouldn't you know it, she gives him a chance in the sack as well) and I just couldn't do it. I got through about three paragraphs and it all seemed a bit too sordid to keep it up.

It's incredible how the writers of these fanfics write these thoroughly graphic sex scenes without making you feel like a dirty pervert. Am I dirty pervert? You tell me.

That's about that, I suppose.

One more thing:

Anyone out there have some fic of their own that they want me to critique or something? E-mail me. Go ahead. Do it.

And finally, THE SHOUT OUT OF THE WEEK:
I'm currently reading what I think is a pretty popular book called 'Bite Me' by Nikki Stafford. It's an entirely interesting read. Ms. Stafford puts incredible thought into each episode and her opinions are far more interesting to read than mine. There's also a ridiculously hard hundred-question quiz in it. I got 36 correct. That's how hard it is. It really is a fantastic book. Read it. I'm serious.

Latest Comments

Thanks for posting this

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I read "Bite Me" in two days. It fails in comparison to the intensity and intricate detailing of The Watcher Guides. Surprisingly, Nikki is wrong in a lot of her detailing of the episodes. I would go back (if there appeared to be some misinterpretation or confliction of summarization) and rewatch certain episodes, and that woman almost has no clue which way is up or down. Oh, yeah, back to the topic at hand. There is a Joyce/Larry fanfic. I have no idea what fueled that person's fire who wrote it because that's just...extremely disturbing (and entertaining, although I hate to admit it). One last thing: People who write about Dawn do not deserve to own a keyboard.

Life's a bitch, then you die. And, I must say, life has been a bitch. For the past seven years, all that I had to look forward to was "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." And, I'm serious when I say this. I really don't think it's time for Buffy to go. But, I shall say...if this is going to really happen, ...let her go out with a bang...

Okay, I'm talking fire, death and blood. The final showdown between "good" vs. "evil." And, I know it was planned for this to happen on May 20, 2003. But, listen. Why settle for the heartpounding, I'm-about-to-pee-my-pants, this is the end, Buffy series finale? When we could settle for heart-exploding, I-just-pee'd-my-pants, the end is here, but what a fun ride Buffy series finale. I mean, come on, we don't want the writers of BtVS to slack on the very last episode...or do we? What I'm saying is, "lights, camera, action!" Yes, that's right, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the movie. Or shall I say sequel? It's brilliant, really. I'm talking the way to go out with a bang. I'm talking about death, terror and grieving. Everything that we have experienced from day-freaking-one of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm not saying a one-hour, heartpounding series finale isn't good enough, but don't you think we could do better for this one? I contributed seven years of my life to this show and I will not settle for a one-hour series finale, where at 8:58 pm on Tuesday May 20, I will be crying my eyes out.

What I'm saying is, (possibly) What we think is the end of the First isn't. You catch my drift? Like, we just sent him away for, who know, one year. Everyone has moved on by this time. Willow, Dawn, Kennedy and Xander have just started their own spin-off on the east coast titled "Wicca." Which just show's this world through a witch's point of view. We already had the Slayer, and the Vampire with a soul version. So, let's hit it Witch style. Angel Investigations will be finishing up their fifth season, and the cast of "Wicca" will be finishing up their first when they recieve a call from, yes(brilliant), yes, and I mean, yes, the Chosen One. Buffy, being the guardian of the Hellmouth stays in Sunnydale. She has been catching up on the more "spiritual" side of having superpowers. Until, yes, one day, The First comes back, badder than ever. Ready for the final round, ready to bite Buffy in the ass, for let's say, sending him to a Hell dimension(I know the 'hell dimension' thing has already been done in season two, but hey, this is the end, baby). He is P-I-S-S-E-D. One year in the Hell dimension, could be like a million here on Earth. His trip only made him more powerful...and it's even gets better. At the end, the "good" side has just shutdown the First once and for all. They have been through hell and back, and now our team gets one wish granted to each, from, let's say the Powers that Be. Willow finally gets Tara back. Dawn and Joyce are reunited, in heaven or on Earth, you pick. Xander and Anya are back together. And the ultimate, Angel and Buffy ride off into the sunset together....(hey, I'm just jumping thoughts...)

Oh...and yeah, title of the movie "Buffy the Vampire Slayer: the Final Stake."(I love it!)

This is all original. Sorry about the typos and E-mail me on what you think. If you have access to maybe getting this heard, if you like it, try to make it happen! It's a great idea.

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